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”I considered whether I should open up to her. She was young, even younger than Sofia. Was it right to pour all the pent-up emotion out here, to her? On both my visits, Karin had offered support without asking for anything in return, simply by being by my side. Yes, she had twice offered herself to me, but it had been done in a subtle, loving way that asked for nothing.I struggled with the situation because every time I looked at Karin, I saw Birgit. When she spoke, I heard Birgit. When she touched me, I felt Birgit touch me. That was part of why I had sent her away — being with Karin needed to be about Karin, not about Birgit, and I couldn’t separate them.Now, Karin was offering to listen, to help. Sending her away because of my own fears, my own insecurity, and my own emotional turmoil seemed wrong. Perhaps a conversation with her was part of my healing and growth. Perhaps Karin herself needed it as part of her healing. And talking couldn’t really hurt.“OK,” I said. “Let me put on. He said he did, too. I said no, I like them as in I want to be with one, get married, have sex, have kids. That kind of ‘like’. That pretty much ended any discussion of the priesthood.The one thing I was sure of was that I wanted to marry, have kids, and have grandkids. There was never any doubt in my mind about that. My heart was determined to marry Birgit the day after I graduated from High School. Logic told me that was crazy, and pointed out that I was in love with Jennifer and Becky.Melanie kept telling me my heart would not steer me wrong. I tended to agree, but I knew that some logic had to apply; otherwise I’d be even more of a jumble of emotion than I already was. I wasn’t Mr. Spock, nor was I Captain Kirk. I certainly was more Kirk than Spock because he seemed to have girls falling all over him wherever they went. I really enjoyed the Star Trek reruns.I didn’t have the NCC-1701 to quickly whisk me away from encounters at warp nine, or a beam transporter to extricate me from.
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